Silence does a body good

I sit in the John Carroll computer lab, sweating after a huge volunteer dance party. We've had a few of them throughout these days together each one is more entertaining than before. I tried to teach some people the Cupid Shuffle (if you don't know it, then look it up. It's actually a Chicago thing) but it didn't catch on as fast as I thought.

It's already the end of Friday and we leave on Monday morning for Ecuador. Where did the time go!? I'm not sure, but it went and here we are only 2 days away from the year long adventure that is bound to shape the lives of 11 gringos forever.

All the volunteers just returned from a 1.5 day silent retreat. If you know me, then you can imagine how difficult it was for me to remain silent for that long, but I did and I'm very proud of it too. But the silence and lack of things to do was well overdue. For the first time in 9 days I was able to be alone with my thoughts, fears, dreams, realities, desires, aspirations...with myself. I often like to be alone when at home, hiding in my room or basement to watch TV by myself, but this time was much more different.

I spent the majority of time reading, thinking and listening. I read meditations, thought about the months ahead and listened for God, for that deep calling that we long to hear when we are afraid of what the future holds. What a blessing it really was, to be silent, to be still, to be open to whatever came to mind without worrying about where I was supposed to be or what I had to do.

Obviously 36 hours of silence (most of which was spent sleeping) is not going to change my life. What it did do, however, was allow me to place things in order to feel as if I have some control over my life. Probably what I will take away most from the retreat is this: "I live a life of faith, but my prayer life sometimes wains." I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

The faster it approaches, the more unreal it seems. In no time at all I'll be sweating like none other and eating more rice and beans then ever imagined...I just really wished I had learned how to cook before I left!

Love and miss everyone.

Tears of joy and sadness

DISCLAIMER: I'm going to be very open and honest in my blog posts. If you are included in my blog entry know that it's because I am thinking about you constantly and miss you dearly.

We are now mid-way through the second week of orientation here at John Carroll University. The days have been full of lectures, discussions and thought provoking questions. I find at most times that my brain is so full of information that it just shuts itself off automatically. We have really great and of course not so great speakers, but the content of the sessions is the most meaningful.

Throughout the day I find that we are so pumped with information that I have no time to actually think about what we're doing here. What I'm doing here. What this next year means for my future and my life path. I also am not dealing with the reality of the fact that I will be gone for an entire year. I have lived at home, in Chicago, with my mom and sister my entire life, and now ALL of that has changed.

I'm trying not to focus on the negative or the sadness, but when I do take the time to think about everything all that comes to mind is how scary this whole experience really is. Mom and Theresa dropped me off at this orientation, and it was probably the most fitting goodbye of them all. Sunday they had a mass for all the volunteers and families and all I kept telling myself was "don't cry now, save it for later" and I was doing so well...until I turned and saw tears rolling down mom's face. I couldn't hold back my own tears anymore.

Mom has always been so strong and unbreakable and to see her cry was more than I could handle. It just finally hit me that this decision was really affecting more than just my life but her's too. I can't imagine what she's been feeling, but I know this year is going to be the best thing to happen to our relationship. After Theresa and Mom left, I went to my room and cried for almost an hour. It was so draining.

The image of my mom crying still brings me to tears. At first they were tears of sadness and longing. But what they are beginning to turn into are tears of joy and hopefullness of this challenging year ahead not only for me, but my family and friends.

In the words of the great Kanye himself:
Hey Mama, I wanna scream so loud for you, cuz I'm so proud of you
Let me tell you what I'm about to do,
Hey Mama I know I act a fool but, I promise you I'm goin back to school
I appreciate what you allowed for meI just want you to be proud of me, Hey Mama