The real goodbyes have begun. The newbies get here tomorrow. I have 7 days left in Ecuador. I have a full workload at Nuevo Mundo. I'm anxious, sad and unable to really understand what it means to say goodbye to this experience. All in all I'm freaking out!

Today I woke up with a pit in my stomach and my mind and heart racing. Who do I visit? What do I say? How long do I visit for? With time dwindling down I feel apprehensive and like I am going to waste the time that I don't have. But since then I have calmed down. Why put such pressure on myself? It's unnecessary.

Yesterday was my goodbye party at the daycare. The teachers kept telling me that I had to come in on Friday for "sorpresas sorpresas sorpresas!!!" (surprises galor). I had no idea what to expect, and although this place has been somewhat of hell on eart, I was still sad to say goodbye to the teachers. Well it was just a lovely morning. The children were behaved and the teachers put on a great show. First it was a surprise apperance by the "cuatro chicas" four teachers who dressed in florescent clothes and did a choreographed dance. Then there was a skit about being generous with your time and money to help those less fortunate. (the value of the month is charity) and then each class presented me with gifts; a basket of goodies, earrings and then a drawing of Guayaquil done by one of the teachers. The show ended with the teachers singing a special song of goodbye. I of course was a blubbering fool and unable to talk or even say thank you. I won't miss the daycare but I will miss the teachers who have kept me laughing and have taught me what it means to be patient.

Then today I stopped by Gabriel and Theresa's house down the street. When my schedule was more flexible I would stop by their house once a week or so in the beginning, unfortunately I haven't been able to visit in a while. Either way I went today to say goodbye because once the newbies get here there will be no time. And when it came time for me to leave Theresa began to tear up which just made the tears come even faster. I can't even put words to the feeling of saying these indefinite goodbyes. It sucks.

After this quick cyber visit I'm going to go over to Wellington's and dance reggeaton with the girls, then go help Cynthia put together her boquets for her wedding. Then probably back to Wellington's to watch a movie. Tomorrow I'm waking up early to eat encebollado with Steve, then lunch with Javier and Cynthia, then I'm staying at Cira's all day until it's time to go pick up the newbies. Sound busy? Yea, well I'm leaving myself no time to sleep or be alone. I'll have enough time to do that back home when I'm jobless!

I still need to buy as many bootlegged CDs and DVDs as I can fit in my suitcase. Speaking of suitcases, mine is already packed. I packed up all the clothes I'm going to bring home which isn't alot. All that is left are the nicknacks I have picked up throghout the year. It feels weird being in a somewhat bare room, but it also makes it a lot more real. I have been in denial that I am leaving well not anymore, as Theresa said "the rose colored glasses have come off."

Nothing too profound to say in this blog, just keeping you all updated. See you all very soon!

My Mundo

I feel a strong sense of pride for my students at Nuevo Mundo. I think they are the greatest kids in the world. Don't get me wrong I've had some pretty rough days with these students, struggling through their inability to understand anything I say, to getting them to stop talking about Lady Gaga's latests video, or trying to break up a fight about which boy in my senior class is more of a "mandarina" (a slang term for calling a man homosexual). There are days when I walk out of the classroom entirely defeated and wanting to never come back. But then there are days when we all seem to be on the same wavelength, like we're all finally speaking the same language...usually that language is Spanglish.

Last Thursday I think I realized how mutual the respect and care is between the students and volunteer teachers here at Mundo. Since it was Theresa's last day our Seniors secretly planned a goodbye party during recess with all of our classes. The ploy was that we had a meeting with our supervisor, but too bad our students are horrible at keeping secrets and told me on Tuesday what they were planning.

So on Thursday Theresa and I got caught up in some parent meetings and then finally made our way to the "meeting" escorted by two of our senior boys, Jesus and Joe. All the students were gathered outside in the patio area surrounding tables full of pop, cake and candy. It was so great to see all the students mixed together and helping to throw the party. We were gifted beautiful hand made cards by our 8th and 9th graders, and then our senior girls bought us tagua jewlery sets in our favorite colors. We spent the 30 minutes eating, drinking and taking ridiculous pictures. It was great.

I won't lie though it was a bit odd for me since I still have 3 more weeks here at Mundo so my real goodbyes will not come for some time. But in that sense the party wasn't a goodbye, it was just a celebration of the year. It was happy and joyful, it was a great example of how motivated our kids are...to get out of class!

I love my job here at Mundo. I love the staff, the administration and most importantly, the students. Leaving this school on August 6th will without a doubt be my most difficult goodbye here in Ecuador. But before then I have a mountain of work to do, so I'm off to begin tackling the tasks that lie ahead.

3 weeks left.

Lists

Funny how dependent we can become upon things like daily planners, calendars and lists. Today I arrived to work without the most important thing in my teacher bag...my "to-do" list. I've been wandering around Nuevo Mundo without a clue as to what to do or where to begin. It didn't help that our schedules were thrown off when they informed us that we wouldn't be having our seniors at all this week. How we are going to get grades in for this parcial is beyond me.

I've been so unfocused for the past 2 hours and it makes me frusterated and annoyed because I know that there is so much to be done I just don't know where to begin. Theresa leaves next week, so this is her last week of teaching at Mundo with me. She and I have been co-teaching 3 classes together and when she leaves I'll be on my own for 3 weeks. It's an overwhelming feeling especially because I will have to prepare for more classes and then write/proctor/grade final exams. All of this must be done before August 6th, my last Friday at Mundo and in Ecuador. The pressure is certainly on.

For our final week in Ecuador we will have to orientate the new volunteers, "show them the ropes" if you will. Well as excited as I am to meet the new volunteers and help them transition into this experience I feel very torn between my two responsabilites as volunteer and teacher. I'm called to be fully present to both groups and that seems almost impossible. I'll let you know how it goes when I see you all back in the states.

This weekend we have our final retreat. It will be nice to reflect but at the same time all I want to do is hang out in the neighborhood. We only have 2 free weekends left, that's just not enough time! Ahh.

Alright, I'm off to class. Less than a month and I'll be back in Chicago...wow

What have I gotten myself into??

Within the past 2 months we have made over a dozen trips to the Guayaquil airport. We have spent hours inside the arrival area watching the jumbo screen flash pictures of the Galapagos and the nicer parts of Guayaquil; we have eaten more ice cream cones then necessary, and we have waited for large retreat groups to make it through customs and baggage claim without any major problems. It's a pretty taxing part of our job discription...wasting hours.

But this blog is not about the airport pick ups, it's about the drop offs. Last night our beloved downstairs neighbors, Chris and Jake, returned to the U.S. As blogged about before, they were a couple working at Nuevo Mundo and living in the small apartment below the AJS volunteer house. Chris was a former Rostro volunteer 2 years ago and came back when she was offered a job as head of the English department. They arrived in early October and proved to be a huge part of the AJS Ecuador experience. We shared dinners and community nights together; we celebrated birthdays and watched all four seasons of Dexter with them, and despite the fact that they had no affiliation with Rostro or even lived with us, Chris and Jake became apart of our community without much effort.

And so after weeks of saying, "wow, you only have a month left....you only have 2 weeks...you only have a day" we said the real "goodbyes." It was a sad goodbye filled with tears and hugs, "see you soons" and "I can't belive the time has come." And after giving our biggest hugs and warmest wishes of safe travel, we left them at the exit tax stand and made our way to the car.

The time leading up to Chris and Jake's final week here in Ecuador seemed to be very surreal. It was if no one wanted to admit to themselves that the goodbyes were coming so as to avoid the sadness that comes with them. We scrambled to spend as much time as possible with them, hanging out until 1am reminicsing about the past year and eating as much junk food as humanly possible. But no matter how much time we spent together, it just didn't seem to ease my nerves about the fact that after they left we would never have those moments again.

But Chris and Jake's departure was just a small foreshadowing of what lies ahead for us in just a few weeks. As I watched Chris and Jake hug our young neighbors across the street I couldn't help but picture the 5 of us saying the same goodbyes, experiencing the same sadness. And after leaving them at the airport I felt as if I was experiencing a new emotion, one much deeper than sadness or anxiety. It's as if I have a pit in my stomach or a lump in my throat but with hope and happiness attached. It's strange.

It seems like everything these days has been centered around saying goodbye, and logically it comes at this time when we are preparing to leave, but it seems to be covering up all the happiness that is still to be had. I continue to be amazed at how our neighbors allow themselves to grow close to volunteers when all they do is leave them behind. I can barely stand it now, let alone on a yearly basis. And the cynic in me has to ask, "who is this program truly benefiting?" Why do we do this to these communities and people? Is the pain and sadness that we all experience truly worth it? Or have we all done this with selfish motivations without thinking about those on the other side?

Oh, the big questions that just never seem to stop coming and never have answers. But at the end of the day, I can't help but ask myself the most difficult question, "what have I gotten myself into?"

lloronas

My friend Cira, continues to be probably my best friend here in Ecuador. We are nothing alike, she is a 33 year old single mother supporting her 2 children on the basic Ecuadorian salary, $250 a month. Everyone who has met her agrees upon one thing: She crazy! She talks a mile a minute and is the worse gritona (a woman who screams loudly) I have met down here. When we began spending time together in early December I had to always ask her to repeat what she said or explain it in another way, but now our conversations can flow with little to no interruptions. That trully was a triumph.

Cira has told me before that I am her first "gringa" friend, and it is for that reason that I believe we have developed such a strong relationship. I am not "volunteer Mary" I am Mary the volunteer and those are two totally different things. She is not friends with me because she is friends with Rostro, or because she lives across the street and feels obligated to host me, she doesn't benefit from our foundation in anyway. We became friends because we are cowokers, we are neighbors and we found something within each other that we like. I am going to say that my friendship with Cira and her family is the most sincere relationship I have here in Ecuador.

Cira and I have one thing in common, we are lloronas, or women who cry a lot. Today as she was selling ice cream during recess I sat at the stand with her and talked about how I only have 54 days left in Ecuador. She told me to stop talking crazy because that is "altisimo tiempo," so much time, but then we talked about what would happen when I did go back. How often will we talk? When can either one of us come to visit the other? Getting a visa to the states is more difficult than prying a fat kid away from chocolate cake. And then I asked if she would come to say goodbye to me at the airport. She was almost offended that I would ask such a question because obviously she would be there. I told her that I will be "pura lagrimas" pure tears. She just shook her head and said "yo tambien" me too.

Then her eyes began to glisen and she said, "look, I'm already crying!" and began laughing. I told her I couldn't look at her because then I would start to cry and we would look like such fools sitting there at the ice cream stand sobbing. We then began to laugh so hard at ourselves that the sad tears tunred into happy ones. (wow, i can't believe i just wrote that cheesy ass line) It reminded me of crying at a Ruby Tuesdays with Kelly on our drive back to Chicago! Kelly you would love Cira.

I feel ready to leave Ecuador, but I am in no way ready to leave the realtionships I have made, especially Cira. But ya, no more sadness I'm going to focus on the positive and just live.

Love you all! Hope you enjoy the recent blog entries.

They warned me about this

I remember hearing from former volunteers that blogs are great and all, but it becomes difficult to maintain them towards the end of the year. I didn't believe because I thought that I would always find the time to sit down and blog about all the goings on in my Ecuadorian life. Yes, well, I was wrong, surprise surprise. The end of the year here just seems to be stocked full of business from retreat groups, to meetings, work obligations and of course spending as much time as possible with those Ecuas we have grown so close to.

Well everyone I'm just going to say it, I'm BURNT OUT. I just don't have the energy anymore to balance my many different roles and responsabilites. I'm a full time high school English teacher, I'm a part time kindergarden teacher's assistant, I'm a retreat group leader, I'm a community memeber and then I'm a friend with limited time. So really....who am I supposed to BE? I am spread very thin and feel it taking a toll on me, mentally, physically and emotionally.

In other news, this past Friday I said good-bye to my last retreat group, the wonderful students from University of Scranton. We had a pretty shaky start as one by one 6 out of 14 retreatants found themselves sick, I mean stuff coming out both ends. Every morning when I would walk over to the house I was given another name of the latest victim of what we believe was a flu virus. There was a good amount of vomiting, including some that got on my leg and foot. But hey, it's all part of the package and I didn't mind it that much. My maternal instincts were definitly on high gear.

Spending time with them definitly revived my own desire for being down here. Now in the home stretch I find it so difficult to not think about the future too much. To not focuse on the unknown future that awaits me in Chicago. I have felt very removed from my life here in Duran. Not really spending much time with neighbors or community mates, but rather retreating to my room to journal or listen to music. I feel as if I have nothing more to give, I'm spent. But then came Scranton and I was reminded about one of my motivations for coming down: people. I just love people. I love meeting them, getting to know them, learning from them, and just plan talking to them. I love all people. I mean, don't get me wrong, there are a lot of people I have no patience for and there are others who I find myself being very skeptical and conscious of, but all in all, I just thrive off of person to person contact. I'm realizing it's a gift that not many people have.

It's funny because origionally I wasn't supposed to have this retreat group. They weren't even staying in our house. But I'm so greatful that I had them. It was a wonderful week. Challening and stressful, but worth it in the end.

Dear Seniors

This is the second year that DePaul's Catholic Campus Ministry held a retreat for graduating seniors. Last year I was blessed to have gone on the retreat with some of my best friends and favorite DePaul staff. It was truly a beautiful experience full of love, support, laughter and sadness. While I felt it was a great way to end my time at DePaul it was bittersweet to know that the community I had fostered while there was disbanding and spreading throughout the country. Funny, but I find myself in the exact same position now.

I was asked by a Campus minister to write a reflection on my first year out of college by answering the question "How do you know you are a Vincentian in the world?" Big question, right? Well I took the time to think about it and I really felt like I wanted to share my reflection with you.

Note DePaul is a Vincentian univerisity meaning it is founded under the charism of St. Vincent de Paul who is a saint from 17th century Paris. He spent his life devoted to serving the poor and his mission is still strong today throughout many countries. The men religious are known as Vincentians and women are known as Daughters or Sisters of Charity. They are wonderful people. You should learn more if you don't know that much about them.

My dear seniors,

Almost a year out of college I find myself miles away from the comforts of family and home as a volunteer with the program Rostro de Cristo in Duran, Ecuador. There are days when I find it difficult to believe that this is where God has taken me, that Ecuador was apart of God's plan for me. It's truly amazing what happens when you can let go and realize that where you end up is where you were supposed to be. But perhaps like many of you I find myself coming to the end of a very beautiful experience without any clue as to what lies ahead. Sometimes the uncertainty can feel overwhelming but I have come to realize that it is the uncertainty of life that draws me closer to God.

So how do I know that I am a Vincentian in the real world? I don't. What I do know is that everything I do here in Ecuador is influenced by my DePaul education, but more importantly by my Vincentian education. Throughout my time at DePaul I grew to love St. Vincent and St. Louise. I studied their lives, I befriended members of the Vincentian family, I became involved with their mission. And what I took away from all of that is that at the heart of being a Vincentian is loving God, and through your love for God giving your life to others. Being a Vincentian means seeing the face of Christ in all whom you come into contact with, all whom you serve, all whom you love and hate. Vincent spent the second part of his life working to improve the living conditions of those who were deemed worthless and a burden on society. He first listened to the struggles of the people and then acted, he took the time to give voice to the voiceless and restore their human dignity.

So how could I even begin to talk about how am I living all that out? Well for starters I am with a program called the Face of Christ in which we strive to see the Face of Christ in the people we meet and work with here in Ecuador. I am living out my Vincentian roots because the most important thing to me are my real, meaningful relationships with the Ecuadorian people. Because I live a life giving of myself to others through giving them my time and attention, the most valuable things we have to give. I like to think that like St. Vincent, I am somehow giving a voice to the voiceless and understanding the true problems of poverty so that when I return to the states I can begin to work on fixing them. I am striving for systemic change, not a band-aid solution.

Seniors, this letter may be dense, and hard to hear. But know that within all of you is the desire to do good, to make a change, to love. My parting advice or words of encouragement are to love, love, love. Love God and through God love others.

Love,
mary

Rostro's mission is to build relationships with the Ecuadorian people. Underlying that very simple mission is the defining of who are the "people." Is Rostro here to only befriend the impoverished? Do people who do not fit our ideas of poverty deserving of our time? Well who the hell am I to say who is really poor and who is not so poor? Nobody. I did not come here to compare or to judge the living conditions of Ecuadorians throughout Duran, Guayaquil and the Puntilla. I came here to insert myself into a culture and lifestyle that was unlike my own, so as to learn, reflect, challenge and change. I did not come here because there are poor people here, because there is rampant poverty throughout Chicago, but rather I came here because I was supposed to...why, I don't know!

Recently a community mate told me a story about how he went to a very nice house in Arbolito to help tutor a family in English. They were a middle class family which caused my community mate to question himself "Should I really be spending my time with a middle class family?" He explained to me that when he first arrived to Ecuador he was set on only spending his time with "the poorest" of people and so he caught himself questioning his visit to this obviously not poorest family. What I told him was "what did it matter, people are people." If Rostro is about building relationships it's about building them with everyone and not making ourselves an exclusive foundation.

We are here to enter ourselves into a society that is driven by the oppressiveness of systemic poverty. But aren't we also here to "be" and to give of ourselves to any and all? I fear that a danger to building relationships is this emphasis on building relationships is that we have to keep in mind, "Am I building this relationship for the right reason?" Meaning, do I really have a friendship with them? Are we equals in this friendship? Or did I seek out this relationship because this person is poor? They live in a cane house and I think that I should be there friend. There is a small selfish voice in the back saying "now I can tell people stories about how poor this person was and how great I was for being their friend." It just seems to defeat the purpose of building relationships if we are forcing them to fit some standard.

Perhaps I am ranting, or just not making sense. But I think that at the heart of this blog is the fear of objectifying people as "the poor," "the rich," or "the middle" and then somehow judging who is more deserving of our time. Do I go over to Nancy's house instead of Cira's because Nancy lives in a one bedroom cane house with her family and Cira lives in a 3 bedroom cement house with a TV and computer? Will I benefit anymore from going to Nancy's than Cira's? Or will I simply be spending time with someone I care about no matter where I go?

I struggle with the comparative poverty that happens within Rostro. I struggle with people judging our neighbors because they have nicer houses, because their streets are paved. I struggle with the emphasis sometimes placed heavily on the poverty of a person and nothing else. I struggle with the fact that my closest relationship is with a middle class family who still fights to stay afloat but is only seen for the nice material things they possess. I struggle with the idea that just because my students come to school dressed up and clean, doesn't mean that they are well behaved or any less poor than those kids who attend our after school programs. I struggle with a lot. So now what? Where do all these frustrations lead me? Are they legit? Do they matter? Will I just have to get over them and move on?

So many questions...and no answers.

I apologize for the delay in my blogs. I have not had the ganas (desire) or time to sit down and write a blog without an interruption or distraction. The majority of my time has been spent at Nuevo Mundo between planning, grading, writing worksheets and tests, oh and teaching. My days have grown very long again. I leave the house around 7am for the guarderia in Arbolito and then leave there at 12 to head to Mundo without a break or rest in between worksites. Some days I don't get home until 7pm and then still have obligations to fulfill within community. You could imagine that by the time I'm "free" the only thing I want to do is go to sleep!

I have been feeling very drained with all my obligations and work. I'm split between Mundo, my community life and my Ecuadorian friends who I barely spend time with anymore. I struggle with balancing it all and still making time for myself so that I don't go crazy. To be honest I'm at the point where sleeping in on the weekends can feel like a waste of time because I know I could be spending that time with a family. And although I know I am wearing myself thin, I feel like it's worth it because I need to take advantage of every moment I have left.

We have 3 full months and some weeks left. I continue to remind my community mates because it is on the forefront of my mind. There aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that I want to do / need to do and I struggle with how busy Rostro keeps us with meetings and other requirements we have to fulfill. I just wish I could live here without the restrictions and see how different the experience would be. I'm sure my Spanish would be a million times better if I lived with Ecuas. But there is no point in playing the "what if" game.

The new volunteers have been picked for next year, it's a very sureal feeling. I think part of me is denying the fact that another group is going to come in after us, out of selfishness of course. I think about the fact that these friendships I have built are now going to somehow transfer onto the new volunteers. I cannot help but thinking about it as a kind of "replacement" even though I know it's nothing like that. Sometimes I think "Mary, you knew coming into this program that you were going to leave in a year. You knew you were only temporary." And then I think about the hundreds of volunteers that have come and gone and how they are just as much apart of Rostro as I am. I'm not the first volunteer to experience this and nor will I be the last, and that's the beauty of this program. Although I am temporary Rostro is permanent, for the most part.

But I have finally reached a place where I can sit here and say to the new volunteers, "Here, take this experience and grow from it. Allow these people to change your lives. Allow yourself to be open and vulnerable with strangers. Learn to find God in ugliness." I feel ready to hand over the volunteer experience. I never thought I would get there. It feels amazing!

Samira

John Paul, Minoska, Queli (Kelli) and their cousin Samira are probably my favorite family that attends our after school program Valdivia. When I first began helping out John and Laura at Valdivs 13 year old Samira was slow to warm up to my presence at the program. Unlike her cousins who would run and jump into my arms Samira kept her distance and watched me from afar. Many times during recreo I would catch Samira observing me playing memory with Kelli or jumping rope with Minoska. Not sure what to do I thought the best thing would be to reach out to Samira, or try and get her to talk to me. It was a fruitless endevour time and time again. It was as if she wanted nothing to do with me and didn't like the fact that I spent so much time with her cousins.

I continued to spend my time at Valdivia with 8 year old Minoska and 5 year old Kelli, I couldn't get enough of them. The two sisters were not only well behaved but they looked out for one another making sure not to leave the other behind. I admired their closeness and maturity. And as we grew closer, Samira seemed to grow even further away. But there was something about Samira that just wouldn't let me totally give up on getting to know her. She was spunky and outspoken. She didn't allow anyone to push her around or bully her, nor would she let anyone do the same to her cousins. She was quick witted and sarcastic. There was something about her that made me want to learn her story, know where she comes from and follow who she becomes.

It seemed like an impossible task. Everyday I would greet Samira with a big smile and kiss on the cheek despite the fact that I could feel her want to pull away as soon as possible. I respected the fact that she didn't want to talk to me and knew that I couldn't force a relationship with her. After about a month of working 5 days a week at Valdivia , Samira gave me her first smile. I don't know what brought it on, but I don't care. I cherish that smile because I know it was genuine. From that day forward it was as if Samira was a completely different girl. When we saw each other she would run up and give me a huge hug and kiss, she would seek me out during recreo or activity to play with, she would joke and laugh with me. She turned into such a lifefilled girl, it was great.

After a few weeks of our new friendship I asked Samira about her family which eventually led to me coming over to visit one day. Though somewhat difficult we were finally able to set date for me to stop by her house and meet the family. I was nervous at first because I wasn't sure what kind of a situation I was walking into. What if they didn't want to meet me? Or what if they hated volunteers? (That's not too uncommon in AJS) And so I ventured over to Samira's house one Sunday afternoon.

Samira lives in a very small, dark and overcrowded house with her parents 3 brothers, sister in law and 2 baby nieces. I didn't go into the bedrooms but I believe that there are only 2 and they have matresses on the floor for the beds. When I arrived Samira was brining over a tray of food to the neighbors that her mom helps feed every so often. She looked like a little waitress balancing the 5 soup bowls without spilling them. When she saw me she flashed a huge smile and told me to wait just a second while she served the food.

The family was all very nice and welcoming. Her mom was suffering from a pretty bad headach at the time and her one niece wouldn't stop crying, but other than that I felt comfortable visiting with them. Her father and I talked about politics and the struggle for one to make their own life in Ecuador. Her mom told me about former volunteers that they grew close with over the years and how she loves to make ceviche. In fact I talked with Samira's mom and dad for over an hour as Samira sat on the couch withdrawn and quiet. I would try to engage her in conversation and she would answer me with one word answers, or if she began to say more she was usually cut off by one of the adults. I couldn't believe that this was the same spunky girl I had grown close to at Valdivia, who was at times quiet but always a strong presense. At home, she seemed to just fall into the background.

Why? Why must this young girl so full of life be silenced by her home enviornment? Why must she shrink her shoulders and walk around as if on egg shells in a place where she should feel encouraged to take pride in herself? I will not force my own opinions upon her family, her parents, or even Samira herself. I will not pretend to know the slightest about her situation after only going over once. But I will not pretend or try to forget the fact that Samira seems to be just one example of many of the treatment of young girls in the Ecuadorian culture. (I speak from my own experience here in Ecuador and do not wish to speak for all families or all Ecuadorians, generalizations are dangerous and usually wrong)

I worry that if Samira continues to fall to wayside at home that the wonderful spark within her will slowly fade. She will become jaded and complacent. I fear that she will fulfill her "role" as a woman, and not realize any of her own dreams. I fear that she won't realize her full potential and will give up by giving in to a reality that doesn't have to be her own.

La Gordita rants

Alright listen, Ecuador, just because you have no problem talking about body image doesn't mean the gringos are down with it. The only person who had the right to call me gordita was my grandma, and it was because it was said with love! A warning to anyone who wishes to come to Ecuador I hope you are secure in your body and self esteem because Ecuador will detect your insecurities and magnify them. But if you are secure perhaps the Ecuadorian health check system will make you questione everything you once thought you knew about health care.

You have a small pimple on your cheek? Well you better believe that thing will be the topic of conversation at dinner. How you got it, why you got it, how you can get rid of it. You probably have the pimple because you ate something wrong, or the climate. The remedy; wash your face with lime juice. (I've been told that once before)

Are you sick? It's probably because your stomach is delicate, and the climate. The remedy; don't eat anything with seeds in it because seeds "hace daño" and will create rocks in your organs. (no joke)

Do you have a fever or a cough? You were sitting in front of a fan too long, or because of the cold air from the refridgerator and of course the climate. The remedy; pass an egg over your body and don't drink or eat anything cold.

Wihtout a doubt no matter what your problem is the climate is a reason why it is happening. Never forget that the climate in Ecuador will apparently destroy you because it is the cause of EVERYTHING. According to the Ecuadorians that is.

Now last but not least, are you fat? Or maybe just a little extra junk in the trunk? Maybe a tad bit round about the edges? Woooooh let me tell ya you will never hear the end of it. Perhaps Ecuadorians think that you have forgotten what you look like, or maybe they are just so secure in their own jelly that they feel as if everyone should be comfortable talking about it. They will grab your belly and shake it, they will tell you should eat less because you are growing fatter, they will tell you that you are huge! It's as if you don't look in a mirror or live with yourself everyday, because they point out everything that is wrong with you.

Oh and if you're fat they will make you the standard. In conversations when describing people they will say how big or small they were in comparison to your size, oh "you´re nothing compared to how fat this woman was" or "she was probably the size of your leg she was so skinny."

Kids will poke at your belly, or maybe even ask if you are preggers. And like all kids they of course will tease you about eating all the food in the world or some stupid shit like that. People won't let you be even while you are eating dinner or enjoying yourself at a party, if you like the food you may get a comment that of course you do because you like all food. Or perhaps you will hear the comment, "if you eat a lot of rice you're going to look like[inseart your name here]." if you're dancing at a party you'll hear comments about how you need to dance to lose weight. There really is no safe haven from the comments. They will even be your personal scale! Oh you've lost weight, oh nope you've gotten fat again. It can be relentless at times.

And yet, you must accept it and develop a tough skin because that is the way of the Ecuadorian culture, hell that is the way of Latino culture. I know they don't say it to be mean, they do say it with love and for them it isn't insulting so I take it with a grain of salt. I've always been la gordita and I'm fine with it, but at times I just wish I could be something else.

Oh, Ecuador, I love you, but you're killing my esteem!

Reflections on being temporary

"I have bad news," Cira told me over the phone.
"What happened?" I grew concerned as I could hear the quiver in her voice from crying.
"There was a horrible earthquake in Chile and we cannot get a hold of my sister."
"I'll be right over," I said as I hung up the phone, threw on my shoes and headed over to Cira's house.

When I arrived Teo, Elysa and Sandra were all sitting around the living room as Cira sat at the computer screaming into the microphone. They had just connected with Sandra, their sister, over video chat and were talking to her about her condition. Sandra and her 3 babies, including one of 2 months, were all ok but they were without light and water. She informed us that her apartment building had been pretty shaken but no damage had been done, however, she was afraid of another tremor. Her husband was not home and she had no idea how she would be able to get all 3 babies out if another hard tremor hit. Through the computer screen you could see the strain in her face as she sat in her dark apartment contemplating what her options were, her voice cracked and trembled as did Cira's. The rest of us sat around looking at each other and saying things like, "God help us" and "Que horrible las cosas de este mundo." I was at a loss of words but as I sat there I knew that I wasn't supposed to have anything to say, I was just supposed to be there to support and pray.

I spent the entire rest of Saturday with Cira's family cooking, cleaning, wrapping birthday gifts and even going to a neighbor's birthday party that was being held out on the street in front of the house. We sat and watched as the rental trucks came in and set up the many tables, chairs and tents. We watched the DJ set up his huge obnoxious speakers at either end of the street and begin blasting music hours before the party even began. Then we watched as the cotton candy and churros machines arrived along with the clowns and face painters. And then right before the guests arrived we watched in awe they brought out the birthday cake, an 8 car train with different characters from the show Ben-10. It was trully an all out birthday extravaganza....for a 1 year old.

How surreal it was that only a few hours before we were all sitting around the sala with tears in our eyes wondering if Sandra was alive, and there we getting ready for a party. Of course the party wasn't going to be canceled because of the earthquake in Chile, nor were Cira and her family going to sit around and be sad all day, but in some small way the events of the day brought me back to the theme of being temporary.

Two weeks ago I finally received my first retreat group of the year, Dominican Academy. They were an outstanding group of high school girls who came to Ecuador over their week break to open their eyes and hearts to the effects of poverty. They came to do what many people are not able to do they came to put a name and face to "the poor." At first I was hesitant to have a retreat group because I wasn't sure what they were comind down here for, was it to get away from the bitter winter? Was it to "do" something? Was it to just put another stamp on their passport? Judgements, I know, but also big questions that I ask about all retreat groups. Motivations are so important in coming into other countries under the title of a "service trip" or "service immersion" I should know, I've gone on them myself. But after the amazing group from DA my judgements were blown out of the water.

My time spent with the incredibly well educated and mature ladies from DA revitalized my hope in education and reminded me of the importance of both fromal and informal education(as well as single sex education, although I'm a bit biased). But the short week they spent here also proved a glimpse into my own experience in Ecuador. As the girls began to meet more people from the community and spend more time with the kids at Valdivia they felt the burden of building relationships and then leaving them. Many times during reflection the idea of "turning your back" on someone came up as they talked about how they make themselves a presence in the lives of the people and then quickly are ripped away from them, most likely to never come back.

Doesn't that just sound horrible? Yes, but oh wait...I'm doing the same thing but on a much longer scale. Year after year volunteers come and go, they build their relationships, they share themselves with the neighbors and then they return back to the United States to stay. I too am apart of that cycle. I am here "replacing" a volunteer and soon enough another young freshly graduated American will come and replace me. In 5 short months I will return to my life in the US and I will have left so many people that I have grown close to. People I have grown accustomed to seeing every day, people who I eat, laugh and even have cried with. And people who will probably never travel outside of Guayaquil let alone to the US.

Those kids at Valdivia that run up to me every day and greet me with a hug and kiss, soon they'll be doing that someone else. And perhaps they won't forget me, and perhaps they will think about me as much as I will think about them, but the fact remains I am only a temporary figure here and everyone knows that. While the group was visiting with Jesus they asked her if it was hard to constantly have new groups of volunteers come in and out and she responded, "Yes, we cry a lot" with tears builing up in her eyes. I had to divert my glance so that I didn't start crying myself. A few days ago I mentioned, again to Jesus, that we were at the 5 month mark, she said to me as she stood at the stove cooking, "I don't like to hear those things." And truth be told, I don't like to say those things.

At times I wish that I was just here living on my own not being apart of Rostro. What would my experience look like then? I think I could play the "what if" game all day long, so I won't because it gets me nowhere, but it's so hard not to do at times when I wish things were different. But I should say that there isn't a single part of me that questions my choice in Rostro or my motives for coming down. The program I feel was tailored to my strengths, otherwise known as my social skills. I walk down the street and have at least 1 person to stop and have a quick conversation with and I spend hours on end chatting with neighbors, it seems that the language barrier is not a barrier in terms of my need to socialize!

But what is going to happen to these relationships when I do leave? When I get swept up in life back in the US and don't have as much time to spend writing and calling, how will I sustain them? Perhaps I am asking these questions too early in the game, and not living in the present moment. But it can be difficult to live in the present when it seems as if it's just slipping away from me. Am I just going to end up hurting people like so many before me have done? I know the fruit of the labor is there, but at times it seems to be hidden.

Although this blog may seem to be a little on the "downer" side know that it's not written out of sadness, only concern. I am so happy here at times I wonder if I was meant to live in South America...don't worry, Mom, I'm not getting any ideas. I just think it's important for people to understand that life down here isn't just all fun and games and extravagant birthday parties, it's real.

Birthday Ecua style

Tonight my birthday festivities come to an end after a 4 day extravaganza! Allow me to fill you in on my Ecuadorian birthday.

The celebrations began Thursday morning at 1:00am when Laura and Julia sang Happy Birthday to me while holding a candle. It was off key, but beautiful. Later that morning as I was getting ready to leave for work, I heard loud smacking noises coming from outside. When I left the house I discovered it was Maximo and Wellington, two of our guards, smacking their leather belts against the cement post. They were practicing their swings for the lastigatos they were about to give me. It's tradition in Ecuador to whip the birthday person for how many years they are turning. It's actually quite an awkward event, especially when it's two big men coming at your ass with thick leather belts. But before they each gave me one whip, they presented me with my birthday gift: chocolate bread and juice. They went gentle on me and made sure to hit hard enough for me to feel it without leaving any marks! (mom probably thinks this sounds so strange, and i'm sure one of my brothers is making fun of it as they read!)

I then went to work where I was met with Happy Birthday wishes from all sorts of faculty, staff and workers. People who didn't even know me were giving me hugs and kisses. And every time I walked past the snack bar Tia Jackie would yell "Que viva la santa!" which is also another birthday tradition here. My students were very well behaved and we had a great class. I left Mundo with another gift: diet coke and two small cakes.

Later Thursday night was the best part though, my community mates threw me a surprise party! Dan, Theresa, Karla and Jaime came over from Arbolito after work and helped cook dinner and bake a cake. I was taken on a wild goose chase to get ice cream with my Ecuadorian friend Denisse as the distraction to get me out of the house. When we arrived home, I knew something was up, and as I approached the hosue I heard them quiet down and then turn off the lights. Yeah, we aren't that great with surprises, but it's the thought that counts! It was great to see everyone though, Chris and Jake came up too! We ate dinner, chatted, then Dan shoved cake in my face and we all sat around talking and laughing. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday.

Friday Cira and her family invited me over for dinner and cake. I have blogged about Cira before and feel like she is just such an important person to me here in Ecuador. I have grown very close to her and her entire family which includes mom, sister, brother in law, kids and various cousins and neighbors. It felt like I was at home with my family as we ate and told funny stories. As usual Yudy, Cira's brother in law, berrated me with questions about "in your country is it true..." We ate delicious food, an even more delicious cake and then enjoyed each other's company.

And then came Saturday, the day we had been waiting for. On Saturday night our neighbors Jesus and Walter threw a joint birthday party for me and their grandson Matias, who turned 4 on the 11th as well. Earlier in the day I journeyed out to the Outlet Mall with Denisse to buy a cake and other party necessities. It was nice to spend the day with her, walking around the mall, chatting about our lives. She also has an affinity for Hello Kitty and Strawberry Shortcake so obviously we were ment to be friends. We spent most of our time trying to find party decorations of either cartoon character...we were unsuccessful. But anyways, Saturday night we all put on our dancing shoes and headed across the street to Watler and Jesus'. We ate dinner, had cake, took a million pictures and then danced danced danced. Then we stopped dancing to do the 23 whippings. Everyone took a turn giving me 3-4 whips, which let me tell you was pretty embarassing. Jesus insisted that she give the final 3, and let me tell you I'm still sore! She did not mess around with that whip. After the whipping the dancing continued until about 12am. Just like at Cira's I felt right at home and like I was where I was supposed to be. At one point during the photoshoot, Jesus called out "Walter come take a picture with your daughter" and it ment so much for me to hear that, because that is exactly how I feel...apart of the family. I never thought I would get to that point, but I have and it's amazing.

Steve, Laura, Chris, Jake and I then came home and stayed up until 3am watching the final episodes of Glee (Best birthday present ever!). And then today, Sunday I woke up late, went to the boardwalk with Laura, Steve and Alicia's family, and now I await for my group of retreatants to arrive. It has been a very busy but lovely couple of days full of so much love and laughter. I even got to talk to some of my family on Saturday afternoon which was truly the icing on the cake, to be able to have my two lives be entertwined if even just a little.

So yet another mile marker has come and past way too fast. We are entering the 3rd week of February and the time is flying by like the planes above our house. I'm excited to have a change of pace with my retreat group and to have a slice of that immersion trip vitality. As I now start my 23rd year on earth I begin it with energy, happiness and a desire to love love love! (oh, Happy Valentine's Day!)

Quick note: Carnival has begun. Today on the bus Steve and I were soaked as a kid threw a bucket of water at us. Tomorrow begins the war that is carnival. More to come soon!!

We come to share our story. We come to break the bread. We come to know our rising from the dead.

As I closely am approaching my sixth month mark here in Ecuador it seems inevitable that I have reached the point where I begin to ask myself why I am here. For a few days now the thoughts that have filled my mind are thoughts of doubt, insecurity and confusion. What am I doing here? Why did I come here? Why am I in this program? How the hell did I get here?

Most of the time I try and reflect on the path that lead me to where I am today, a path that at times seems to have disappeared in the depths of my doubt. I often times imagine myself in that scene from Alice in Wonderland when she is following the path that the Cheshire cat told her take and just as she thinks she is getting somewhere her path is swept away. Poor Alice stands on her one square of path left looking longingly back to where she came from and desperately forward to where she was headed but all she is met with is the darkness of her surroundings.

While this may seem like a very dramatic example it is somewhat comparable to my experience in Ecuador as a volunteer. The other day I received an email from good ol' Mike Polish who wrote "It'll be interesting to look through your emails after you're back and chart your emotions because it kinda looks like a roller-coaster." And Mike couldn't have said it any better because most days I feel like I've been thrusted around and had the wind knocked out of me over and over again, but then there are the other days when I simply can feel the freedom that comes from being airborne. If that makes any sense.

Now unlike the rollercoaster Alice was on in Wonderland mine will never prove to be just a dream. I will not wake up one day and realize that these past 6 months have been just a figment of my imagination. No when I wake up I am reminded by the heat, sweat, noise, smell and drab colored sky that this is my reality. But truly what a beautiful reality it can be.

I have been in a funk for a few weeks now. I've been sick, stressed, frusterated, sad and incredibly homesick. A bad combination of things to say the least. It has been difficult for me to see the good in life here in Duran, to be witness to the transformation that is taking place within me and my community. I have struggled to see the positive in any situation and have often times allowed myself to wallow in self pity and negativity. All of which is natural but draining nonetheless.

But even when I found myself laughing and enjoying my time with friends my mind would quickly turn to the same questions, "what is my purpose down here?" It especially is difficult to answer when our form of service is being and not doing and we strive to think of ways to help people that are sustainable and not just a bandaid solution. Which then leads us to talk about what happens if we do give a hungry child a piece of bread or banana one day, if he comes back the next day with his brother, and then the next day with his sister and so on. Do we continue to give them food, or do we try and find a longer solution to their hunger? We want to continue to give them food because we can, but we also have to think that we are only here until August so then who will feed them after we leave?

It seems as if these questions have been coming to us much more frequently these days. We have entire dinner conversations or we stay up well into the night talking all these things through, and of course we never come up with any real answer or solution. We are left standing on our piece of the path without knowing how to go forward or how to go back.

And so with all these thoughts consuming my mind I have found it difficult to concentrate anything else. I needed to talk and to someone who I hadn't already talked to for hours an end. With few English speakers handy I turned to a woman who I felt could give me some perspective and objective advice, but also a woman who would give me the blantant advice I needed. And so I turned to the one and only Pat Mcteague.

As blogged about before, Pat is one of the co-founders of Nuevo Mundo, the school in which I teach. Hailing from Canada originally she spent most of her youth growing up in the best city in the world Chicago. She has now lived in Ecuador for something like 30 years and her vision of equal education for all children is truly inspiring. Now Pat says what's on her mind. She's direct, sometimes brash, and usualy has the last or only word on a matter. In other words she tells it how it is, a quality I find quite refreshing in a person. Mostly she reminds me of my family members back home who don't often beat around the bush when they have something to say.

So I went to Pat to work out the kinks that were within my head and heart. I sat down and threw up my thoughts, questions, frustrations and emotions that have been building up over the past 6 months all over Pat's small blue walled office. She listend to me contently and didn't interupt me as I rambled on for longer than I should have. And then when I took a breath she began to offer me not her advice of age old wisdom, but her story. Her story full of struggles and victories, of openness and vulnerability. Her very real and human story.

The fact that I felt so comfortable with Pat then allowed me to share just a glimpse of my own short life story. And I told Pat that I just didn't understand what my purpose was down here. I told her how I could no longer see the path that lead me here and I cannot see the path I am supposed to be following. Midway through telling Pat a story she stopped me and said "that's why you're here, to share your story." Well why didn't I think of that before?

And so I left Pat's office with a sense of peace and clarity, but also with this new reflection of "sharing my story." I do think I am here to share my life with my community and my neighbors. I believe that I will grow close to them through sharing my life with them, including my defeats and greatest achievements. To share my story full of love, family and overcoming outside obstacles. A story full of character and many twists and turns. A story centered on faith. A story dotted with funny anecdotes and quotes. A story of laughter and tears.

I feel at times that my story is one that many of our neighbors have found relatable in that we have encountered several of the same experiences. I of course in no am comparing our lives, because it's so hard to do so spanning so many different areas. But I am saying that when neighbors realize we hold an experience in common they have oftened replied with "I didn't think that happened in the United States," or "I only thought things like that were common in Ecuador." And these have been experiences that I know many people have in the US. Yet the US stereotype and image seems to be ingraned into the minds of people throughout the rest of the world. And while I am only talking to a handful of people, perhaps through the sharing of our stories we are beginning to bridge the huge gap that remains between our countries and cultures.

It is through the sharing of ourselves that we come to know others more fully. It is through making ourselves vulnerable and open that we can trully enter into relationships not only with those around us, but most importantly with God.

So at this point in my Rostro year I can say with confidence that I am here to share my story. And through the sharing of my story I will connect with my family, my community, my Ecuadorian community and my faith. Perhaps I'm not as lost as I thought I was...

An Ecuadorian Christmas

If there is one thing that is true for all of Ecuador it's that they love love love their Christmas pagents. If you are an Ecuadorian under the age of 16 and in school then you are most likely a part of the Nativety play put on by your school, more than likely you are a member of the large chorus of angles because in reality there aren't enough main parts to go around, but at least you have a simple costume complete with paper mache wings and a halo made out of pipe cleaners. Even babies are apart of the nativety play, especially at the guarderia!

Christmas season in the states usually starts some time after Thanksgiving, well at the guarderia there is no Thanksgiving so Christmas preparations began on November 1st and we didn't stop decorating until December 22nd minutes before the parents came to the show. The children were cast into their roles, their costumes were made and then remade to fit them perfectly, they practiced their lines and reherced thier entrances and exists every day for over a month. The teachers were going crazy with the prepartion while all I had to do was sit with the angel chorus until it was their time to perform the "Gloria." I didn't think the kids would be able to pull it off since they seem to have attention spans shorter then fish, but when the day came they were so impressive! I was so proud of my kids who had lines and didn't mess them up and I was impressed by how serious most of them were. The parents loved it. a

After the nativety play came the popuri of christmas songs. We began with the Spanish songs which the kids shouted the words at the top of their lungs. And then we had the grand final of our two christmas songs in English. As I told you before we had been learning Rudolf and then we learnd Jingle Bells...sort of. The kids did well and I was happy to be done with singing these songs since we practiced for 30 minutes everyday for a month! The parents didn't seem to notice that their children where singing jiberish most of the time probably because it sounded like English to them. But then Pat, from Nuevo Mundo, came up to me after the show and said "Great job, you know it was the first time I ever heard Rudolf in Japonese!" Pat is an American by the way and quite sarcastic too.

It wasn't until after the guarderia Christmas show on the 22nd that I finally felt as if it were Christmas. And then it got crazy. John and Julia work at a shelter for street boys in the mornings. Several of the boys and the other Ecuadorian volunteers were not going to be going anywhere for Christmas so we decided to invite them over to spend Christmas eve with us. So what we realized is that we were throwing a Christmas party for what ended up being close to 20 people. And as many of you know throwing a party can be quite the production. Early on the 24th Julia and I woke up and headed to the market in the center of Duran to buy the 6 pounds of rice, 5 pounds of pasta, 11 pounds of flour and various other items for the dinner. We also had a neighbor, Alicia, cutting up the chicken for us because we had no idea how to take apart a whole chicken.

We spent the rest of the morning of the 24th with the other volunteers at a morning of reflection in Arbolito. It was nice to take some time out of the business of Christmas to sit and talk with each other about what it means for us to be hospitable here in Ecuador. But right after the reflection we ran home to AJS to begin the chopping, peeling and cooking for the party. We continued to prepare dinner until 8pm when Steve, Laura and I headed over to Omar and Elizabeth's house for a quick visit before mass. We stopped by said Merry Christmas and lucky for us their dinner wasn't ready yet, otherwise we would have gone to mass and fallen into a food coma! (Ecuadorians love to feed you...a lot even if you tell them you only want a little)

Mass was beautiful and even though we got there 30 minutes early we were still unable to find enough seats all together and so we were dotted throughout the church sitting with various neighbors and friends. For the homily a few of the local kids did the nativiety play including Fr. Manuel making the crying noise of the newly born baby Jesus, it was very strange but funny at the same time. While I missed my usual midnight mass at St. Mary's I loved the spirit of our mass here in Duran, the music, clapping and true happiness of the people to be there celebrating the birth of Christ. For our closing song we sang...Happy Birthday! How funny right? Mom, it was just like in Bells of St. Marys!

We came home from mass and Steve, Laura and I went over to Javier's house where the family had been waiting for us to start dinner, we felt bad since it was already close to 11pm and the kids were tired, but as always they told us it wasn't a problem and they felt blessed that they could share their food and family with us, beautiful. We left Javier's fuller than necessary and couldn't imagine eating anymore. After Javier's Steve came with me to Cira's house for a very very quick visit since it was almost curfew and we still had to eat dinner with the boys. And again we were greeted with open arms, a slew of Feliz Navidads and many besitos on the cheek.

Cira is one of my closests friends here in Ecuador, she works at Nuevo Mundo in the kitchen and has such a warm and welcoming personality. She told me the other day, "Ha conocido muchos gringos pero tu eres mi primero gringita amiga" (I have known alot of white people (volunteers) but you are my first white friend). She and her family are just wonderful people and I'm so glad that I have met her. But of course being Ecuadorians her family woulnd't let Steve and I just sit there and talk we had to have food and lots of it! And so she served us to heaping plates full of rice, macaroni salad, pork and chicken. They do not mess around with Christmas dinner. Unfortunatly we could only stay for 20 minutes and we left with our full plates, because she wouldn't let us leave our food, and some candies for the road.

We came home just in time to help serve up the food for the boys and Steve and I shared our 3rd meal of the night together. It was 12am when we finally sat down exhausted and tired from all the running around of the day, but we were all together sharing in the meal we all helped to make. Everyone was happy and enjoying themselves, it was finally Christmas.

Christmas morning Laura and I woke up at what felt like the crack of dawn (5:50am) to travel to Padre Damien where Laura volunteered to give the doctor a day off an due her rounds of curasion, or wound care. So while Laura cleaned the wouds of patients and I fought the need to sleep on the hospital bed that was in the room. It was a fruitless battle as I couldn't resist anymore and ended up taking a nap. Every time I would open my eyes there would be a new patient staring at me probably thinking "what a useless person!" I was glad I went though so that Laura wasn't alone, and good thing I went because on our way home she fell asleep on the bus and was almost near impossible to wake up!

Christmas night all the volunteers went back to Damien house to carol for the patients who seemed to enjoy it, although most just watched us like we were crazy. We had fun if nothing else. And then we had a huge delicious Italian dinner with Sr. Annie, Pat and Sonya. I can't think of a better way to end Christmas then all together enjoying each other's company, laughing, talking and towards the end singing again. And although in the back of my mind I was thinking about my family and our Christmas traditions it didn't take away from my first and probably only Ecuadorian Christmas.

The past few weeks have been really difficult on all of us here in Duran. We've been missing home and loved ones, we've been challenged by things we never thought would happen and we've been shaken up, but at the end of the day, week, month and year what is going to matter the most is the time I have spent learning to love and support my community. Family and friends I will come back and be able to love you better because of this year, how great right?!

Quick updates that I don't need to write a lot about:

1. You may say "I told you so" but I have realized that I do indeed love the kids at the guarderia even though they make me crazy.
2. We threw this awesome party for the guards and their families. It was great. We had to put on a dance for them so we did it to this song "Mi Burrito" and John was the donkey, there should be a video on facebook for you to see it's hilarious.
3. We did secret santa in the house and it was the most bootlegged thing I have ever been apart of. People half assed their gifts last minute, Laura literally put plantains that we had on our counter in a bag for John. It was really funny.
4. New Years resolution for the house, to practice self control since we have none!
5. We have taken it upon ourselves to pick up some local ways of speaking, most recently we have noticed that Ecuas use the word "pues" (well) alot so now we do to, as a joke. "Ya pues" "No pues" "cayate pues" I could go on.
6. We had another mouse encounter, and I had video of it, but somehow it was erased. This one was huge and it took 3 people to catch it. Eventually Javier stepped on it's head....gross
7. On Christmas day I talked to Mike and Kelly and I heard Cecilia say her alphabet...of course I cried. My house mates just think I'm crazy sometimes!

We are entering our 6th month...jeez where does the time go? I'll be home before I know it and that scares me. As always thanks for reading. I hope it was at least a worthy blog to wait so long for. I miss everyone but I'll see you soon!

Oh and Jenny if you are reading this your card was delievered! They loved it!

I began this blog about a month ago and was never able to finish it until now. So enjoy the double blog entries in one day!

Well a month later I find myself coming back to my blog that I have unfortunately neglected for way too long. As time here in Ecuador continues it also seems to be speeding up and disappearing into oblivion. With our jam packed schedules and multiple obligations it has been difficult to find the time to just sit and think about what to write, so it is even more difficult to find time to actually write! But enough complaining, because really everyone is pressed for time it's just up to the person to prioritize and to take advantage of what they have. So onto the blog!

On Thanksgiving day I was able to talk to Mom for a bit which is always nice. But this phone call mom had a special request for me; “Mary, can you stop gushing so much in your blogs” she said with her I'm trying to be serious but still trying to keep things light, voice. I laughed at her because I knew that she had read the most recent blog in which all I did was “gush” about my feelings. It wasn't that mom didn't like to hear about how I was feeling, she just wanted me to “Paint me a picture of where you are."

This wasn't the first time that someone had asked me to “paint” a picture of Duran. Several people have written or emailed asking me to describe the scenery around me, to describe the sights, sounds and smells of Duran so that they could have a better image of where to place me. And so I've thought and thought about how to actually describe Duran, to paint a picture with words of what to me has become “the norm.”

The more I thought about this the less I could come up with, but allow me to try and attempt to describe Duran.

Gray. Cement. Garbage littered streets. Mud and dirt. Loud, big buses that spew toxic fumes and pollute the already heavily polluted air. Stray healthy looking dogs. Stray sickly looking dogs. Windows with steel bars. Roosters and chickens pecking at garbage hoping to find some sort of food. Children running by themselves with no parent or guardian in sight. Small stores the size of your bedroom that carry everything from rice and eggs to school supplies. More garbage. Large garbage fires that billow stench and black smoke. Lots of polvo (dirt or dust). Music that is so loud it pulses in your chest when you pass by a house. People shouting things across the street. Non paved roads. Rocky roads that are at times difficult to walk down without tripping. No trees. No grass. No nature.

But then I come home to a beautiful two story brick building with a large enclosed porch. Our drive way is surrounded by different trees and flowers and we are guarded by Oso the friendliest golden retriever mix you'll find in Ecuador. As I round the corner of our street I'm struck by the beauty of our house and complex, I'm struck by it's grandur and presence. And most recently I'm struck by the fact that whenever I see our house I feel that sense of peace and calm of being home. I come home to spacey Laura, loud and crude John, enthusiastic Steve and Julia the challenger. I couldn't have asked for a better house or housemates. Our bedrooms are small but cosy and our house is painted in warm yellows and makes me feel as if we are surrounded by sunlight. The layout of our house is open but the rooms all kind of run together. Our dinning and living room are one in the same and our kitchen is right in the middle, so while one of us is cooking the other is usually sitting at the table talking about their day. We are always together in a good way and most of the time we are laughing and enjoying each others company. Even during our hardest and most challenging conversations we can always come back to the center of it all, loving each other and holding each other accountable to the mission we signed up for in the beginning of the year.

Mom also asked me to describe the people who I spend my time with but I feel as if there is no way to describe them, you just have to get to know them. So mom, when you come down to visit, as soon as you get that passport, you can meet them in person and see how wonderful they really are.

Thanks are given

Today at Nuevo Mundo the secretary of the foundation school was almost too excited to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. When she saw me coming towards her office she stopped what she was doing and said "FELIZ DIA!" to which her officemate replied, "what a beautiful thing to take a day to give thanks to God." And then I remembered that yes indeed today is meant to be a day of giving thanks for all that we have been gifted.

Today in hot and sweaty Ecuador I am thankful for my Rostro community who continue to be the force that challenges me to live a more Christ centered life while supporting me with their unconditional love. I am thankful for my Ecuadorian community, the people who have without hesitation opened their arms, hearts and homes to us, the people who have taken it upon themselves to make us feel apart of their families and who give us a sense of belonging. I am thankful for the work I do here and the people I have met while doing it, the people who inspire me to strive for excellence. I am thankful for my children at the guarderia who are teaching patience and understanding. I am thankful for my students at Nuevo Mundo who show me what it means to perserver (sp?) and to value education. I am thankful for Rostro de Cristo and all that it aspires to do and to be.

I am thankful for my family, the people who have loved me no matter how mean or ungrateful I was towards them. The people who teased me, wrestled with me, came to see my many horrible plays and musicals, went to my graduations and christmas concerts, put up with my angsty teenage years, my constant crying and complaining. The people who were there to witness my many falls, literally (16 times in Mexico), and the people who were always there to pick me back up. The people who took me to school, picked me up from school, showed me how to take buses and trains, the people who taught me to not take myself so seriously. The people who told me it was ok to cry, even if it is in a chain restaurant in the middle of Michigan. The people who continue to support my crazy decision to move to Ecuador. The people who I love more than anyone else in the world, despite the fact that I probably don't show it or say it as often as I should.

I am thankful for Theresa, Diego and Tic, Michael, Kelly and Baby C, Stephen and Christine and little Emma.

I am thankful for my Mom.

Feliz Dia de Accion de Gracias! Happy Thanksgiving!

Sorry for the delay

It's been a while since my last real blog post and I wish there was a better reason for it other than the fact that I simply do not have any time to sit and write a blog. Even when I have free time it is usually spent planning a lesson, doing laundry or more importantly visiting a neighbor. The more time I spend here in Ecuador (almost 4 months now) the more I realize how valuable time really is. I have come to appreciate time because I finally understand that time is all I have to give down here in Ecuador. It is such a precious thing and although I have no power over how fast or slow it goes I can control how I spend it. So while at times sitting in a neighbors house can just be watching TV, playing cards or having a heavy political conversation, it is all very meaningful beause the two of us are choosing to spend that time with each other.

For the past few weeks I have been thinking about time a lot. What will the rest of my time in Ecuador look like? What will my time after Ecuador look like? Where is my life headed? Those kind of questions. Last year at this time I was begining to discern what I was going to do after graduation, I was praying a lot, making plans and researching my options. My mind goes back and forth between trying to stay in the present moment and not worry about what is going to happen, and then really thinking seriously about what I will do after this experience. It's hard to not forward when you know your return date, if that makes sense.

I struggle with this idea of being young and taking advantage of my youth. Is saying "your only young once" just an excuse to push off responsibility? I don't think so, but I can see how it can lead to that, and I don't want to become that way. I dono't want people to think that I am not "living in the real world" because right now I feel like the world I am living in is the reality that the rest of the world tries to hid from.

Ultimatly the conclusion I keep coming to is that I don't know what I will do after this time in Ecuador, but nor am I worried about it. If I continue to focus on the unknown future then I will miss out on what is happening now, and that would be a shame.

Moving on. I have decided to become apart of the church group Shalom at our local church. I guess you could call them a youth group but they are more so young people who play music at church and do events to raise money for the community. In other words they are people our age in Ecuador which is a nice change from the children and adults we hang out with all the time. I now sing at mass with them and attend their weekly meetings (yes mom I have joined another organization! I bet you thought that was over after college).

Singing at mass was probably one of the best decisions I have made while being here because it has finally allowed me to fully participate in the mass. With the horrible accoustics and my inability to stay focused, I was finding it very difficult to be apart of mass. I didn't know the responses which was hard enough, I couldnt't understand the homily, although I don't think anyone ever does, and I wasn't able to sing any of the songs. Now I sit in the front pew with the band, I have a book of songs and responses and I am starting to slowly but surely understand the priest. It's been wonderful finally being able to attend mass and connect.

Shalom isn't only about church though, last night they held an event called a Peña which was a concert/dance at the local community center. The money raised from the tickets goes to help buy bread and milk which the group then distributes to families throughout a poorer part of Duran. The concert part was quite a show, hopefully I can get a video out to you all from one of the performers who is just...indescribable. He is definitly Youtube material. We spent the night dancing and talking and I finally felt as if I had Ecuadorian friends my own age who did the same things I did. It reminded me of going out dancing with Stephanie and Nick on the weekends back home. I just wish my spanish were good enough to have quick witted conversations, but alas it is not there just yet.

The only catch with hanging out with Ecuadorians is following the rules of Rostro. I cannot begin to tell you how many times people asked me why I couldn't drink, why I had to be home at a certain time and why I couldn't use one of the Rostro cars. While I had no problem explaining the rules, they found them hard to understand. And when it came time for me to leave I felt like I caused such a problem because I couldn't go home alone and I needed to be home by curfew. As the clock ticked down I felt myself become anxious and nervous. I left feeling like they woud never want to invite me to anything again because of the hassle that I am because of the rules I have to follow. In the end it's not that big of a deal, but in the moment it felt like the biggest problem ever. I sometimes miss the ability to do what I want.

For those of you in seasonal changing cities I'm sure you are all getting into the holiday spirit. This past Thursday for community night we put up our christmas tree (1 foot tall) and decorations while listening to christmas music and drinking eggnog, that steve made. It was a wonderful night, but it felt very strange for all of us. Without the change in season I cannot feel like it is the holidays. We also all began to realize that we would be spending Christmas far far away from the loved ones we left at home.

As we strung up the lights and decorated ornaments I couldn't help but think about home and family. The traditions and events that I would miss out on this year. The joy of seeing my nieces open presents. Growing sick of "It's a Wonderful Life" because Mom watches it on repeat. Midnight mass. "A Christmas Story" marathon. Christmas cookies. Ham and lasagna. Putting up all 9 of our nativity scenes. Going downtown to see the windows at Marshall Fields. Hot chocolate. Winter clothing and accessories. 93.9 the lite playing only christmas music. Watching snow fall through the christmas lit windows. staying in our pajamas and watching movies all day on christmas day. family.

Maybe it's too early to be thinking about this, and I know that it's only 1 christmas out of so many. But at times down here a thought will come to mind and it will take over your brain for the entire day. Being away for the holidays just adds to the homesickness that comes in tidalwaves.

On a quick note, I never blogged about it after the fact but my trip to Loja was freaking amazing. It was just what was needed, relaxing, stress free and fun. I rode a horse through the Andes and I didn't fall off! It was great. I'm in the process of putting up all my pictures of this year so far, and it's a slow process but I promise they are on their way.

Oh, speaking of Christmas my job these days at the good ol´guarderia is to teach the students Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer...in english obviously . By the end of December I will never never never want to hear that song again. Allow me try and write how they sing it:

Rudolf the blah blah RANGER
Had a blah blah blah NOSE
And blah blah blah SAW IT
Blah blah blah blah IT GLOWS

The blahs represent their mumbling which really sounds like nothing and the caps obviously mean that they just yell the last words. Sigh....yeah....blah

Family, know that I love and miss you all. Stephen and Christine give Emma a big hug and kiss, tell her I'm sorry I missed her 1st birthday! Mike and Kelly make sure mi hijada remembers me.

English grammar sucks

An exercise in English grammar. Subject verb agreement.

Select the correct form from the choices give in parentheses.

1. Neither of those chairs (is, are) safe to sit on.
2. A pile of ragged suitcases and untidy bundles (was, were) waiting for us on the dock.
3. Either the potatoes or the meat (have, has) a peculiar taste.
4. Neither the coach nor the players (feel, feels) very confident.
5. Professor Pine and his three daughters (is, are) arriving on today's train.

*answers will be provided in the next blog

This grammar topic has been driving me up the wall. It has also been frusterating the hell out of my decimo students (9th graders). So maybe you can be in solidarity with me and try the exercise. Perhaps the answers will even confuse you....

Off to class to make their heads spin with more grammar. More to come soon...

So Halloween is not a holiday in Ecuador, surprise surprise, but we volunteers are still thinking about it. Although plans fell through to have a Halloween party in the retreat house for the neighborhood kids, we are still able to commemorate this odd holiday in our own way. In the mail this week my mom sent me a Halloween card and stickers. The stickers were intended for the kids at the guarderia, which maybe one day I'll use them there, but my first instinct was to place them all over the house. And so on Tuesday night after work I walked around and placed stickers of ghosts and halloween cats in the most random places: clock, utensil jar, underneath our fruit basket, my water bottle. Julia warned me "it's cute now but it won't be so cute in July," and although she is probably right it didn't stop me from my sticking spree.

Then today Jesus, our neighbor across the street, took me to the Duran market to buy a pumpkin for the house! Before we got there I was thinking "well maybe I can buy a few small ones so we can all carve one" but then I remembered that they don't sell pumpkins for decorations, they are meant to be eaten. Ah, yes, they are after all a vegetable. So needless to say the selection was small but good. Nice size pumpkins in different shades of green and yellow-orange. I picked out a nice plump one although Jesus suggested that I buy one that was the size of a small child. Good thing I didn't since I had to carry that damn thing around the market and then home on the bus! I will admit I felt a little silly getting on the red bus with a pumpkin tucked under my arm, but people have carried on crazier things (live chickens, dogs, construction material).

We hope to carve it tonight before we all depart for our adventures in Ecuador!!! We have our first 4 day weekend and are splitting up into several groups to travel to different parts of the country. Jaime and I will be traveling with Megan to a village in the Andes mountains called Loja. Christina and Jake will be joining us.

(side note: Christina is a former volunteer who came back for a few months to work at Nuevo Mundo's morning school. Jake is her awesome boyfriend who is volunteering at a hospital in the burn unit. They live in the apartment below our house in AJs and they may just be the coolest people ever. We love them.)

So we leave tonight to take a 9 hour bus ride to the beautiful village. We don't have an itinerary but who cares, from what we read it sounds like anything we do will be relaxing and well worth it. I'm just excited to see a different part of Ecuador, oh and get this since it's in the mountains it's....COLD!!! I'm packing my jeans, long sleeve shirts and a sweater! I've been in living in heat for so long that the thought of not sweating is just short of a miracle.

This website is in Spanish but you can just look at pictures: www.vivaloja.com

I don't know if you can tell, but I'm just really happy right now and in such a good place, I just needed to share with you all. I talked to mom on Wednesday night and she said "it's good to hear you laugh," and yes it's good to laugh. There hasn't been too much to find joy and laughter in the last few weeks, but now there is so much.

I have been spending more time with neighbors, and talking to new ones. I'm also singing with the church group on Sunday nights and so I met with the lead singer and guitarist on Thursday night to learn some songs and it was great to just sit and talk with people my age. We spend most of our time with kids and adults (30s and up) so it was fun to joke around and feel like I was with friends. I also am really happy to be singing with them because it will help me with spanish and also with learning the mass parts...which is incredibly difficult.

I could just keep writing, but I don't want to bore anyone. Thanks for reading! Happy Halloween!!!

As always, I love you.