Insight into my cluttered mind

I cannot believe that it is already October 13th. I have been here for a little over 2 months, but I feel as if I have been away from home for much longer. As we enter into our third month it seems as if the final remnants of beauty, politeness, and patience are slowly falling to the way side. It's time for us to get real, for lack of a better term.

This last week was sensory overload to the point where I couldn't even function properly by the time Saturday rolled around. I don't think I can explain what I'm going through other than saying that everything we experience here is an extreme. We either have amazing or horrible days, and our emotions follow the same pattern. My mood changes so often that sometimes I scare myself with how quickly I can go from happy to sad. Any issue someone brings up to me is a personal attack and I am always on the defense with my actions and thoughts, words and deeds. I feel as if I am living in a small box and the walls are made of people questioning my motives, the rules of the program, my own insecurities and people's expectations.

I have never been one to defy authority, or to go against rules. But here all I want to do is rebel against any limitations placed upon my freedoms. I have not done anything crazy, nor will I, but just writing about this is allowing me to see how ridiculous it all really sounds. I did not come here to rebel, but I also did not come here to live a regimented life. So where is the balance? Obviously I am coming to find that it is up to me and my community to decide that.

Within the last few days I have had the stark realization that I am not apart of a community because we have not developed into our 5 person community or into our 11 person community. We aren't living within the communal mindset that is necessary for this experience. Perhaps I sound crazy. Perhaps you don't understand what I'm talking about, maybe because I don't either.

What I'm struggling with is the fact that this lifestyle is so different than my lifestyle back home. Back home where I was an individual. Where my actions only affected myself and the consequences were my own to deal with. But here, in Ecuador, I have to become apart of something that is more than myself. We all do. We are not Mary, John, Julia, Laura and Steve, rather we are the 5 AJS volunteers with Rostro de Cristo. What we do reflects upon all of us, and especially upon our program. When I speak I speak for the group, when they speak they speak for me.

We are not individuals. How radical is that? Radical in the sense that it is the complete oppostie of how we grew up in the US where everyone is special and everyone has autonomy. A few days ago I journaled about how I find myself transitioning very well, people from back home have told me that it sounds like I'm doing great down here, and I am. But at the end of the day this program is much more than just transitioning well into a new location it's about transitioning well into a new lifestyle a new way of being.

Does this sound crazy? Yes, probably. Do I think it's crazy? Yes. Do I still think it's true? Yes. Will I allow myself to transition and detach myself from my fears, expectations, insecurites and flaws so that I can embrace this experience, the love of others and myself, my own brokeness and God? I pray that I will.

Although this blog probably sounds very emotional and dramatic please know that it all comes from the heart. Know that I am doing well, I love the time I have spent here so far and look forward to the coming months. Know that I continue to pray for patience and peace and understanding. Know that I am still smiling and laughing everyday. Know that I do find happiness and beauty in even the darkest of moments. Know that this experience is making me a stronger, more faithful young woman.

To those who have been sending me letters keep em coming! Mondays is mail day and there is no better feeling than coming home to a few handwritten letters from loved ones! Thanks for reading. Comment if you'd like.

I love you, Mom!

Every night before I go to sleep I make sure to set my alarm for 6:00am. And every night I tell myself, “Mary, tomorrow is going to be different. Tomorrow you are going to wake up when your alarm rings, get out of bed, thank God for a new day, shower, eat a relaxed breakfast while reading the paper and then leave for work.” Doesn’t that sound so nice? I think so. I think it sounds great every time I say it to myself at night. But the reality is that I wake up at 6:50am after hitting the snooze button for an hour. The guard is usually pounding on the door to tell me Eleodora is here to walk to work and still half asleep I shout out the window “Esperame un ratito!” (Just a minute) I then throw on the same clothes I wear every day, khakis and my Rostro polo, grab my bag and head out the door without thanking God, without showering and of course without breakfast..

The majority of my days begin in this chaotic manner but then slow down as Eleodora and I walk the 15 minutes to work in Arbolito. I then can stop to buy a piece of bread and banana and head over to the volunteer house to eat a relaxed breakfast. Being greeted by Eduardo, the guard, is one of my favorite moments in the day. Without a doubt he will always have a smile and a warm embrace to give, always calling me his “pana” (Ecua speak for friend). I then eat breakfast with Jaime, Michele and sometimes Dan or Theresa. We joke and laugh for 20 minutes until we all go our separate ways to work.

The hours from 8-12pm I would like to block from my mind everyday, sometimes skip entirely. Those are my work hours at the guarderia (which I call the ward). Almost two months in and I still dread going to work there everyday. It’s just very difficult to work with children, but especially in another language. They don’t listen to me, don’t do what I say, and could care less that I’m there. I teach a short English lesson for 20 muinutes and the rest of the time I try and help the teacher with managing the classroom. I just don’t know why I hate it so much because I love kids and I love working with them, but these children are like nothing else. All they do is scream, kick and punch each other, complain, cry or act like they’ve gone deaf when I try to ask them something. I’ve been patient and I continue to pray for patience, but it is sloooow coming.
But traveling to Nuevo Mundo in the afternoons is such a relief. I can only describe Mundo as a paradise or an oasis. Located on the small wealthy Puntilla, the bus ride to Mundo is dotted with palm trees, malls, nice cars, well maintained landscaping and houses that look like they were shipped here from the Hollywood hills. Only 20 minutes away from Duran there is a small USA, it´s incredible. The Nuevo Mundo grounds are beautiful as well full of lush green trees and plants, open classrooms and sports grounds, the most green I have seen in Ecuador is at Nuevo Mundo. It’s truly another world there and it needs to be another world for the kids who come from all over Duran and the campo, they deserve beauty in their lives that are filled with ugliness.

I come home tired but excited to be with my community. To share our days with each other, to laugh and sometimes cry (mostly me). I love coming home to people who are excited to see me and who care about the kind of day I have had. I love knowing that I can tell them when I don’t want to talk and they understand and I love when they make me talk about whats wrong because its what I need to do. This whole intentional community component of Rostro is wonderful and I’m so glad I am in a program that stresses the importance of building a community among each other. Because without my community mates I would be an emotional mess every day.

On a lighter note:
1. I am the mother of the house which means I take care of my 4 children when they are sick, sad, in need of a hug. Some motherly duties I have attended to: picking lice out of Julia’s hair, holding Laura’s hair while she got sick and putting a wet washcloth on her forehead, rubbing John’s back when he couldn’t stop shitting his brains out, and nagging Steve to seek a doctor for his illness.
2. I am the house expert on rice cooking. Perhaps I do know how to cook something, Mom!

On a funny note. The language is of course an every day struggle, but I'm getting better day by day! The other night I came home and our guard Wellington was talking to his wife Zoiraha outside of the gate. When I came over I heard her ask me:
'Are you Italian'
'No, I'm Mexican.' I responded
'Good because I made a dish with meat and I wanted to make sure you would eat it''
'Wait..did you say Italian or vegetarian?'
'Vegetarian.'
'Oh, I'm not one of those either.'

Talk about lost in translation! The words Italian and Vegetarian sound similar in Spanish, especially when you are tired. It was funny at the moment thats for sure!

An honest e'mail

I have been attempting to blog for the last 5 days. Every time I sit down at a computer I feel as if there is just too much to express and not enough time to focus my thoughts. I finally wrote an e'mail back to my good friend Polish Mike back in Chicago and felt that my e'mail to him was exactly what I have been trying to say for the last week or so. I have copied the exact e'mail here for you all to read. I did not edit or change anything because I feel I was honest in the email so why change it for my blog?

Hello USA,

Yeah buddy I've been in Ecuador for over a month now, crazy huh? This may sound strange but I still think about our last time hanging out together. It was so chill. I miss being chill so much. I miss eating pizza, drinking beer, sitting on my deck and going to movies. Life here is so different it's hard to realize it sometimes.

This first month went off without a hitch. I loved it, loved my community mates, loved the food, people, everything. But now reality is starting to sink in and things are starting to become less lovable. This was expected of course, but you cannot prepare for such a feeling either. Its hard to describe. The funny thing is that I know when I move back to the US I am going to feel exactly the same, maybe even worse.

Food and things are super cheap down here. The air is horribly polluted because of all the exhauste from buses and cars. We cannot walk anywhere alone due to saftey precautions. We can't drink the tap water due to parasites. We can't be out past 12am, which is fine. And I, along with some of my community mates, have decided not to drink due to the social and culteral implications that alcohol is associated with here.

Its funny because life here is just living. I am not doing anything crazy, at least I dont think so. I walk to work in the mornings with a coworker. I work with 5 year olds until 12pm. I go home change into my teachers uniform and then take a bus for 30 cents to my afternoon job as a high school English teacher. After that I travel back home on the most crowded bus of my life and either cook dinner, go to the internet cafe, read a book or visit a neighbor. I really have no free time or time to myself except for when I'm on the bus. It's difficult to go from my life in Chicago where I had a lot of free and alone time to always being around people. Constantly.

But its all worth it because I am learning a lot about myself through these people. I am getting to know my limits better, I can recongnize my limitations with annoyance and anger, jealousy, things like that ya know? Its hard to describe because its something internal. All that is certain is I will leave Ecuador a very different person than when I came, but perhaps only I will realize the change.

I have been very reflective these past few days. I hope that this e'mail isnt a downer. Your internship, tell me more about it. Working with mentally ill people is such a challenge and yet really rewarding when you can actually connect with them. Oh man.

Verga Cassaroll

Visiting neighbors and develpoing relationships is at the heart of the Rostro de Cristo mission. We are here for a year to not simply perform the jobs we were given, but to immerse ourselves in Ecuador through the customes, traditions and most importantly the people. Everyone we meet asks us how we are enjoying Ecuador. Do we like the food? How is the weather for us? Do we miss home?

The majority of us always answer with much gusto and say that we like Ecuador very much, we like the food, the weather is hot but tolerable and we love the people. With only a month of being here, there is little else for us to say because we have only really put our toes in the water. The truth of this experience and our emotions will only come to fruition when we submerge ourselves. But the question is, when will that happen?

Recently I have found that I am frusterated, mostly with myself. I shamefully do not speak fluent Spanish, the language barrier is strong and I feel as if I will never be able to fully express myself, or truly enter into real relationships with the Ecuadorian people. I am such a chatter box back in the states, I enjoy talking to people, I am witty and sarcastic, I can win people over through a conversation. But yet here I am left to simply nod my head when they speak to me and respond with broken sentences, most of the time with the wrong words and context. I find myself asking of I ever will truly be able to get to know the people of Ecuador if hey cannot understand what I´m trying to say.

But despite my language deficiency I am trying to spend more time with neighbors. It´s amazing how people here are so inviting and welcoming. While coming home from the bus the other day I passed Gabriel´s house and he waved me over to come in, I visited with him and his family for almost an hour. I don´t even remember what we talked about but what mattered was that we were giving each other our time.

What´s so beautiful about the neighbors is that they invite you into their homes whether you are expected or not. When we were younger we would run away from the windows and turn off the TV and lights if we saw someone coming for an unexpected visit, most of the time it was because we were still in our underwear or pjamas, or we hadn´t cleaned like mom said, and other times because our visitors seemed to never leave. Kids typically don´t have very good manners. Mom,however, always made our home open to anyone who came, serving them coffee and whatever little food we had. I´m just finally starting to appreciate how lovely of a custom it is especially since I am not the unexpected visitor.

Life here is still full of surprises and laughter. The days are draining, but we come home to warm community and the five of us spend our nights laughing and teasing each other. Just the other night we laughed extremly hard at Laura´s expense. Please read the following story:

In our house we have many cookbooks that previous volunteers have left behind with their own receipes. It was Laura´s night to cook and so she stood outside with a receipe book and was consulting our guard and two neighborhood children about different meals. She turned the page and found the receipe for ¨Verga Cassaroll.¨ As Laura asked aloud:

¨Que es Verga Cassaroll¨
¨Verga es un mal palabra¨(that is a bad word) one of the neighbors said.

Bryan, an 11 year old then pointed to a picture on the page and began laughing hysterically. It was a picture of a penis! As Laura continued to read the receipe she realized it was a receipe for Penis cassaroll...also known as a joke. Poor Laura was horrified that she hadn´t seen the picture before or read the ingredients before she asked the neighbors.

That story kept us laughing throughout dinner as we enjoyed the usual rice, beans and veggies. No verga.

You want me to do what? Teach?

I appologize for any and all typos, the spell check doesn´t work.

The Pecitos (little fish) classroom at the guarderia (daycare center) is like any other kindergarden classroom you could imagine. Bright posters displaying important vocabulary words and phrases. Bold letters and numbers stuck upon the wall with cute designs and patterns. Small tables and chairs for the 18, 5 year olds, that make up the Pecitos class. It even smells like kindergarden- crayons and glue.

I stood in the colorful classroom timid and not sure what the expect on my first day of work. The excited children filed into the room one by one and quickly ran to put away their backpacks and fight over who sits in what chair. They are full of energy, excitment and love- expect for when they are hitting each other during recess. They ran past me as if I were another object in the room some gave me a second look, but others just went about their 5 year old business of fighting about who is cooler.

Within minutes the room grew to an amazing level of volume as the 18 Pecitos began to yell, scream, sing and some cry. Oh, my lord, what had I gotten myself into? The teacher was able to immediatly regain control of the kids by yelling out ¨niños silencio¨´ Why hadn´t I thought of that?

The teacher then turned to me and said ¨¿ahora ellos tienen ingles. Estas lista?¨ I stared at her with horror, she wanted me to do what? Teach them English? For how long? 30 minutes?! I had no idea what to do and she just began preparing the next lesson. I frantically looked around the classroom for ideas and my eyes fell upon the numbers, and at least I know those, I thought.

¨Quien saben los numeros en ingles?¨I called out
¨YO! ONE, TWO, FIVE, FOUR, EIGHT...¨was the response from the 18 little Pecisitos who are now my kindergarden class.

And thus began my first day of work at the daycare center. It´s been a rough week to say the least. I work at the daycare center from 8-12pm and then starting next week I will start work at the school Nuevo Mundo from 2-6pm. I´m in for some long days, but I´m excited. Nuevo Mundo is an amazing school started by the most admirable Pat Mattee (sp?) and Sonia. The morning school is for the wealthy population of Guayaquil, and the afternoon school is for the children of Duran-the area of Ecuador in which we live.

The tuition of the morning school kids goes to fund the afternoon school progam and allows students, from all different economic backgrounds, access to equal education. The school is very well recognized among the schools in Guayaquil and the actual premisis is a beautiful osasis for kids to escape to. I will be working with 8th, 9th and 10th graders teaching their English classes in the afternoon. It´s an immersion education so I can only speak English in the classroom in order for the students to be exposed to a native accent and pronunciation...hope they don´t all end up with a Chicago accent!

Life has been good here. I´ve struggled with working at the daycare center and feeling overwhelmed and useless, but I must remind myself that I am not here to DO but to BE and so I need to BE patient with myself and with the daycare center.

In other news, I went out for a driving test with Megan. Don´t worry Mom no one got hurt. To make a long story short after peeling out of the drive way and stalling the car twice, it looks like I will NOT be driving in Ecuador. Perhaps for the best. The bus is where I belong. Commuter for life I swear.

Speaking of buses, oh man, if you think Chicago buses and trains get packed you haven´t seen anything! People literally hang out of the bus here and with no fear it seems. No baby carriages or bikes, but people carry on small infants and live chickens. It doesn´t even phase me anymore. Just part of life down here.

The neighbors are great and they have all asked if I was single, and how could that be? I must have a secret love back home that I´m just not telling anyone. Did I mention Ecudorians are funny?

Walter, our neighbor across the streets says that at the rate my tan is going I´ll be ask black as him the end of the year. I doubt I will be, but the sun is strong here. I already got a horrible sun burn on my back 2 weeks ago. My skin turned a nice shade of fire engine red and then peeled for a week. Lovely.

This blog has turned into just a stream of thoughts but thay may be better than anything else. So much happens here, that it´s hard to keep it all up to date. I love it here and it´s only been 3 weeks, and I know times will become hard, but I know that it will all be worth it in the end.

Some funny quotes from the RdC community¨:

¨I just peed out my but¨ -sickness is no laughing matter, but it can be funny
¨What does giardia smell like? Cause I think (blank) has it.¨
¨It´s made of the ocean and you write on it¨-Laura trying to describe sandpaper

Love and miss you all! Send me letters or e'mails let me know how life is!

what do you mean i can´t take off my sweater...it´s HOT

I have been in Ecuador now for a week, and still cannot stop sweating. I mean I knew it would be hot, but DAMN. I´m getting used to it though along with many other things Ecuadorian such as the large amount of tuna that you eat, and the roof dogs...also known as dogs that somehow find themselves ontop of a roof and never come down.

Our day of travel was rough. We were exhausted by the time we finally landed in Ecuador and then waited 45 minutes for our luggage, then another 30 minutes in the customs line. But we were greated with applause and enthusiasm from this past years volunteers. It felt like we were making a scene but it´s not like 11 gringos can NOT cause a scene down here.

We drove 20 minutes to one of the Rostro houses in the Arbolito neighborhood. We stayed in the retreat house for our week of orientation in which we learned how to take the buses, which stores and panerias to shop at and where we go when we eventually contract a parasite...can´t wait for that!

We haven´t been given our work sites yet, but we were divded into the two houses...I am now a Antonio Jose de Sucre resident. There are 5 of us total in our small and cozy home. John, Steve and I are currently at our local Cyber cafe trying to navigate the internet and keyboard in Spanish...it´s difficult.

The first day was the hardest because I just wasn´t ready for the heat. The entire day as the former volunteers took us around Duran all I kept thinking was that I wanted to go home, I missed my bed, my family and friends, AC. I couldn´t stop thinking "what am I doing here?" But it passed just as I thought it would.

It´s going to be a very difficult year I can tell already. But I think it´s going to be a wonderful challenge for me, because down here I cannot hide any of my flaws, issues or problems due to the fact that I´m surrounded by 10 other people who are going to call me out when I act up. It´s part of living in community.

Our neighborhood is very active with tons of families and kids running around the street. There is always a soccer game going on, or neighbors cooking outside their homes. There is much joy and love around us, but imbeded in sadness. Its been difficult seeing the povert in which the Ecudorian people live in, but what did I expect?

I have so much more to write but I have to go a start cooking dinner, we´re having espagetti!

Mom, I haven´t been able to get a phone card yet, but when I do I´ll be calling you very soon! The payphones here are way expensive.

Until I write again. Keep me in your prayers as we enter our job discernment period.

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

In just a few hours the 11 of us Rostro de Cristo volunteers will depart for our long journey to Duran, Ecuador. Tomorrow is going to be rough to say the least due to the amount of flying we will have to do.

Due to a lack of direct flights from Cleveland to Miami this is our flight plan:

6:30am flight to New York
2 hour lay over
11am flight to Miami
3 hour lay over
6pm flight to Guayaquil
10pm land in Ecuador!!!

So in 24 hours I will be in the country that is to become my new home. How crazy? I know that my experience is not unlike the many Rostro volunteers that have come before me, but what I keep reminding myself is that this next year will be unlike anything that I have ever done. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that in a matter of hours I am going to start such an important part of my life. I am going with an open heart and mind. I am going with a yearning to learn. I am going with the desire to be challenged. I am going to BE and not to DO. I am going to be broken and ruined for life. I am going to live in the moment. I am going with the mission of living a life centered on FAITH, SIMPLICITY, COMMUNITY, SERVICE and HOSPITALITY (also known as the pillars of the Rostro de Cristo program)

I am going to be transformed.

Last night I was thinking about my favorite Picasso painting the Old Guitarist (pictured above). It's my favorite painting because of its story. When you look closely at the Old Guitarist you see the image of another painting beneath. It is a painting that Picasso began but wasn't happy with, and due to his lack of money and supplies he had to reuse this canvas for another painting. The Old Guitarist is the manifestation of Picasso's emotions the way he wanted them to be represented.

I want to be like The Old Guitarist. I want to be the used canvas that the Ecuadorians see as still good and useful in the sense that they will take me and make something even more beautiful, classic and meaningful. I want to be a better representation of my emotions to those around me. I hope that makes sense because I was so excited when it came to me. But maybe I haven't been able to articulate it properly.

But this is my last post for a while now. We will have a 2 week orientation in Ecuador in which we'll find out our houses and job placements. Then we'll just jump in! I hope to write again as soon as I can. In the mean while, keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we embark!