I cannot believe that it is already October 13th. I have been here for a little over 2 months, but I feel as if I have been away from home for much longer. As we enter into our third month it seems as if the final remnants of beauty, politeness, and patience are slowly falling to the way side. It's time for us to get real, for lack of a better term.
This last week was sensory overload to the point where I couldn't even function properly by the time Saturday rolled around. I don't think I can explain what I'm going through other than saying that everything we experience here is an extreme. We either have amazing or horrible days, and our emotions follow the same pattern. My mood changes so often that sometimes I scare myself with how quickly I can go from happy to sad. Any issue someone brings up to me is a personal attack and I am always on the defense with my actions and thoughts, words and deeds. I feel as if I am living in a small box and the walls are made of people questioning my motives, the rules of the program, my own insecurities and people's expectations.
I have never been one to defy authority, or to go against rules. But here all I want to do is rebel against any limitations placed upon my freedoms. I have not done anything crazy, nor will I, but just writing about this is allowing me to see how ridiculous it all really sounds. I did not come here to rebel, but I also did not come here to live a regimented life. So where is the balance? Obviously I am coming to find that it is up to me and my community to decide that.
Within the last few days I have had the stark realization that I am not apart of a community because we have not developed into our 5 person community or into our 11 person community. We aren't living within the communal mindset that is necessary for this experience. Perhaps I sound crazy. Perhaps you don't understand what I'm talking about, maybe because I don't either.
What I'm struggling with is the fact that this lifestyle is so different than my lifestyle back home. Back home where I was an individual. Where my actions only affected myself and the consequences were my own to deal with. But here, in Ecuador, I have to become apart of something that is more than myself. We all do. We are not Mary, John, Julia, Laura and Steve, rather we are the 5 AJS volunteers with Rostro de Cristo. What we do reflects upon all of us, and especially upon our program. When I speak I speak for the group, when they speak they speak for me.
We are not individuals. How radical is that? Radical in the sense that it is the complete oppostie of how we grew up in the US where everyone is special and everyone has autonomy. A few days ago I journaled about how I find myself transitioning very well, people from back home have told me that it sounds like I'm doing great down here, and I am. But at the end of the day this program is much more than just transitioning well into a new location it's about transitioning well into a new lifestyle a new way of being.
Does this sound crazy? Yes, probably. Do I think it's crazy? Yes. Do I still think it's true? Yes. Will I allow myself to transition and detach myself from my fears, expectations, insecurites and flaws so that I can embrace this experience, the love of others and myself, my own brokeness and God? I pray that I will.
Although this blog probably sounds very emotional and dramatic please know that it all comes from the heart. Know that I am doing well, I love the time I have spent here so far and look forward to the coming months. Know that I continue to pray for patience and peace and understanding. Know that I am still smiling and laughing everyday. Know that I do find happiness and beauty in even the darkest of moments. Know that this experience is making me a stronger, more faithful young woman.
To those who have been sending me letters keep em coming! Mondays is mail day and there is no better feeling than coming home to a few handwritten letters from loved ones! Thanks for reading. Comment if you'd like.
I love you, Mom!
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Okay, Mary. You asked me to comment, so here it comes. First of all, what you need to understand is that when you were living at home, you were not an individual who's actions only affected you. You were part of a family, a group a friends, a classroom of students, and every action affects those around you, even if you are too blinded by your own concerns to notice. The difference now, is that at home, you were surrounded by people who knew you, loved you, and cared about your well-being. Now, you are surrounded by people you have only known for two months, people who are still trying to find themselves, and who take even the slightest jolt as a personal attack - much the same as you are. You may have not have noticed how your actions affected those of us at home, but that's because we knew better than to feel personally injured - we could blow things off, because we knew where your heart was, and could see past the bad moods, etc. It's good that you are having this struggle. It's a part of growing up, that you may not have had the chance to experience at home, simply because of the way we reacted to your actions. None of us ever really held you accountable, and now you are being forced to explain yourself, think of others, and realize how much a nasty tone can ruin someone's day, or how much a simple smile can brighten it. This is a good thing, Mary. Embrace it, learn from it, and come home a stronger, better person because of it. This is a skill that will help you throughout the rest of your life. Now, go be communal!
ReplyDeleteMary,
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that I totally understand. Yes, your actions did impact others before you went to Ecuador, but right now, you are faced with your true self in a way that you have never seen before, due to community life, the pain you witness every day that you are mostly helpless to stop, and the insecurity that you and your community mates are all feeling--as you expressed so honestly and beautifully in your blog. Coming face to face with yourself in that way can be scary.
I just want to encourage you that in the long run, though, it is sure to be very, very blessed. I had the hardest months of my life up to December or January of my first volunteer year, but our community eventually learned how to love each other in a way that is lasting and true, and we still hold on to that love today. They still carry me through some of my hardest times, and celebrate with me in the easiest.
Hang in there. We are remembering and praying for you all from the US!
Un abrazo,
Kerry